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Nurses in leadership roles often want to appear strong and ‘professional’, and talking about loneliness can still be seen as a taboo
As a society, we have become better at discussing mental well-being at work over the past couple of years, and many healthcare organisations have upped the support they offer staff.
Primary Health Care. 32, 6, 18-19. doi: 10.7748/phc.32.6.18.s6
Published: 28 November 2022
But loneliness remains a taboo subject, particularly among leaders.
The impact of loneliness on health is widely discussed and written about, particularly in the wake of the pandemic, but most of that work focuses on patients and service users, not on healthcare staff.
When it comes to discussing loneliness at work, we are happy to acknowledge there is an issue, so long as we keep a bit of distance between it and us.
‘We know loneliness is a problem, but we do not seem prepared to talk about it – at least not in a way that implies we might feel lonely ourselves’
In their book Connectable: How Leaders Can Move Teams From Isolated to All In, workplace loneliness expert Ryan Jenkins and global leadership consultant Steven Van Cohen state that 79% of global workers believe their colleagues experience loneliness on a weekly basis. But research also suggests we are far less likely to describe ourselves as lonely.
Promotion into a senior leadership role can be the perfect trigger for social isolation
Picture credit: iStock
The stigma around loneliness is deeply entrenched. Admitting you are lonely is tantamount to saying there is something wrong with you, so we often keep quiet. We learn to conform, and to live up or down to other’s expectations, all the time paying the price in terms of self-worth, confidence, and ultimately our physical and mental health.
Researchers have also found loneliness to be higher in healthcare staff compared with other workers, with four in ten healthcare workers affected by loneliness during COVID-19.
So, we know loneliness is a problem, but we do not seem prepared to talk about it – at least not in a way that implies we might feel lonely ourselves.
This lack of discussion is not only harmful to individuals, but places pressure on leaders to spot it and start conversations with their teams, sometimes while trying to navigate feelings of isolation themselves.
Leaders can be among the loneliest people. They do not always have the same number of close working peers, and promotion into a senior leadership role can be the perfect trigger for social isolation.
The answer is simple yet far from easy: tackling loneliness requires you to focus on genuine connection, not being the ‘professional leader’, but a fellow human. This takes courage, trust and commitment, especially if you are the one feeling lonely or isolated.
Like most leadership growth, it is the work you do on yourself that pays the biggest dividend. It is the insight you gain into how you support others, what you need to feel belonging and connectedness, and where you might need help that enables you to be the leader you want to be.
Loneliness is not about being alone, it is about a lack of meaningful connection with others. As humans we mostly exist in groups, from intimate partnerships to wider community movements. We are social creatures who rely on each other for emotional connection, significance and a sense that we belong somewhere.
In her research into the power of belonging, workforce expert Julia Taylor Kennedy found that 34% of people sought belonging or connectedness from their workplace, from feeling connected to the work they did and from their colleagues. This was second only to family and close social contacts, and more important than religion or wider community groups.
If the feeling of connectedness at work comes from shared purpose – doing work together and the conversation and socialisation that naturally occurs with colleagues – perhaps loneliness at work is a combination of lack of connectedness, purpose or shared values, and an over-reliance on conformity and fitting in.
For many, psychological safety is at the root of workplace loneliness. When you do not feel safe to speak up, or you feel that your views and ideas are not valued, you will either edit yourself to fit in or withdraw and interact only when functionally necessary, which reduces connection and is isolating.
Healthcare culture can be unforgiving; when you are consistently expected to deliver more with less and where mental toughness is seen as a badge of honour, it can be hard to do some of the things you need to do to build the connectedness required.
Focus on yourself and what matters to you
If you want to combat workplace loneliness, you have to start with yourself. Be honest about how you feel and clear about how you want to feel at work. Who do you want to be as a leader? What will you stand for and what will you not stand for? This will establish your aspirational focus and your red lines – the boundaries you will not cross – and create space to build a sense of belonging in your team.
Start talking
Until we are courageous enough to have more conversations about loneliness and mental well-being, stigma will prevail. The stigma related to loneliness can make us feel ashamed to share how we feel; the world’s largest loneliness study – carried out by the BBC – found that one third of the 55,000 people who took part often felt lonely. More women reported feeling shame than men, and older people were more likely than younger people to conceal their loneliness. Do not wait for someone else to start the conversation – let’s normalise something most of us have felt at some point in our lives.
Get connected
We do not always take the time to understand what helps us feel connected and what gets in the way. When you know the activities, people and places you feel most connected to, you can start to identify the elements that make up connection for you. This will help you feel less lonely and the more connected you feel, the safer it becomes to make the first move with others.
Do not be afraid to show vulnerability
One of the most common traps leaders fall into when it comes to preventing isolation is lack of vulnerability. You might have spent years, your whole career even, perfecting that veneer of outer calm while internally racing for answers, but toughing it out or carrying on regardless can be harmful to your own well-being and that of those you lead. No matter how senior a leader you are, vulnerability is your superpower. You cannot lead well without embracing vulnerability – the alternative is sitting safely in your comfort zone and working relentlessly to keep things the same.
Show compassion rather than judgement
We all judge others at least some of the time. Just as it is easy to be compassionate with people we love or care about and who share our outlook and values, it is easy to be judgemental towards people we do not know or do not understand. But judgement is a fast track to disconnection and isolation, for you and those you judge. Seeking to understand someone else’s position and perspective will enable you to get more connected – you do not have to agree, but by understanding you may be able to find a more compassionate approach.
But a sense of connectedness is essential in helping us feel safe. It happens when you feel seen, heard and valued, or like you are part of something.
When this does not happen, you are more likely to feel isolated or lonely, and the risk of being isolated from the pack can cause us to hide mistakes, not ask for help, and put on a front that ‘everything is okay’ when it is not.
Creating belonging is everyone’s job, but leaders set the tone. When you can lead from a place of purpose or connectedness, it is easier to be yourself, engage with others and feel part of something that matters.
This is an abridged version of an article at rcni.com/nurse-leader-loneliness
BBC (2018) Who feels lonely? The results of the world’s largest loneliness study
Coqual (2020) The Power of Belonging: What It Is and Why It Matters in Today’ Workplace
Jenkins R, Van Cohen S (2022) Connectable: How Leaders Can Move Teams From Isolated to All In. McGraw Hill
Stubbs J, Achat H (2022) Are healthcare workers particularly vulnerable to loneliness? The role of social relationships and mental well-being during the COVID-19 pandemic. Psychiatry Research Communications.
Middaugh J (2019) Lonely at the Top. MEDSURG Nursing.
