Removing the stigma

The impact of loneliness on health is widely discussed, particularly in the wake of the pandemic, but most of that work focuses on patients and service users, not on healthcare staff.

When it comes to discussing loneliness at work, we are happy to acknowledge there is an issue, so long as we keep a bit of distance between it and us.

In their book Connectable: How Leaders Can Move Teams From Isolated to All In, workplace loneliness expert Ryan Jenkins and global leadership consultant Steven Van Cohen state that 79% of global workers believe their colleagues experience loneliness on a weekly basis. But research also suggests we are far less likely to describe ourselves as lonely.

‘We know loneliness is a problem, but we don’t seem prepared to talk about it – at least not in a way that implies we might feel lonely ourselves’

The stigma around loneliness is deeply entrenched. Admitting you are lonely is tantamount to saying there is something wrong with you, so we often keep quiet. We learn to conform, and to live up or down to others’ expectations, all the time paying the price in terms of self-worth, confidence, and ultimately our physical and mental health.

Researchers have also found loneliness to be higher in healthcare staff compared with other workers, with four in ten healthcare workers affected by loneliness during COVID-19.

So, we know loneliness is a problem, but we don’t seem prepared to talk about it – at least not in a way that implies we might feel lonely ourselves.

Difficult to admit to struggling

This lack of discussion is not only harmful to individuals, but places pressure on leaders to spot it and start conversations with their teams, sometimes while trying to navigate feelings of isolation themselves.

Leaders can be among the loneliest people. They do not always have the same number of close working peers, and promotion into a senior leadership role can be the perfect trigger for social isolation.

The answer is simple yet far from easy: tackling loneliness requires you to focus on genuine connection, not being the ‘professional leader’, but a fellow human. This takes courage, trust and commitment, especially if you are the one feeling isolated.

Like most leadership growth, it is the work you do on yourself that pays the biggest dividend. It is the insight you gain into how you support others, what you need to feel belonging and connectedness, and where you might need help that enables you to be the leader you want to be.

Belonging and connectedness

Loneliness is not about being alone, it is about a lack of meaningful connection with others. Humans mostly exist in groups, from intimate partnerships to wider communities. We are social creatures who rely on each other for emotional connection and a sense of belonging.

In her research into the power of belonging, workforce expert Julia Taylor Kennedy found that 34% of people sought belonging or connectedness from their workplace, from feeling connected to the work they did and from their colleagues. This was second only to family and close social contacts, and more important than religion or wider community groups.

If the feeling of connectedness at work comes from shared purpose – doing work together and the conversation that naturally occurs with colleagues – perhaps loneliness at work is a combination of lack of connectedness, purpose or shared values, and an over-reliance on conformity and fitting in.

For many, a lack of psychological safety is at the root of workplace loneliness. When you do not feel safe to speak up, or you feel that your views are not valued, you either edit yourself to fit in or withdraw and interact only when necessary, which is isolating.

Feeling lonely at the top? Top tips to cope

Focus on yourself and what matters to you If you want to combat workplace loneliness, you have to start with yourself. Be honest about how you feel and clear about how you want to feel at work. Who do you want to be as a leader? What will you stand for and what will you not stand for? This will establish your aspirational focus and your red lines – the boundaries you will not cross – and create space to build meaningful relationships and a sense of belonging.

Knowing what matters to you will help you understand what you need to feel more connected – with yourself and your team. Start with the things that come easy to you, such as helping someone or having a meaningful conversation about something that interests you, and create new habits if you need to.

Start talking Until we are courageous enough to have more conversations about loneliness and mental well-being in general, stigma will prevail and people will suffer. The stigma related to loneliness can make us feel ashamed to share how we feel; the world’s largest loneliness study – carried out by the BBC – found that a third of the 55,000 people who took part often felt lonely. More women reported feeling shame than men, and older people were more likely than younger people to conceal their loneliness. Don’t wait for someone else to start the conversation – let’s normalise something most of us have felt at some point in our lives. You don’t have to share your deepest feelings, simply opening a conversation about the impact of loneliness and asking people what they think is a good start.

Do not be afraid to show vulnerability One of the most common traps leaders fall into when it comes to preventing isolation is lack of vulnerability. You might have spent years, your whole career even, perfecting that veneer of outer calm while internally racing for answers, but toughing it out or carrying on regardless can be harmful to your own well-being and that of those you lead. No matter how senior a leader you are, vulnerability is your superpower. You cannot lead well without embracing vulnerability – the alternative is sitting safely in your comfort zone and working relentlessly to keep things the same.

Vulnerability is not about weakness or fragility but about connection, and is defined by uncertainty, risk and exposure. Every time you do something new, have a difficult conversation, make a mistake, implement something unpopular or say no, you are vulnerable. When you use vulnerability to create connections, it builds trust and reduces isolation. When you get tempted to pull on the mask and power through, stop – it is exhausting.

Get connected We do not always take time to understand what helps us feel connected and what gets in the way. When you know the activities, people and places you feel most connected to – and those that make you feel most disconnected – you can start to identify the elements that make up connection for you. The more connected you feel, the safer it becomes to make the first move with others.

Show compassion rather than judgement Although we may not like to admit it, we all sometimes judge others. Just as it is easy to be compassionate with people we care about and who share our outlook and values, it is easy to be judgemental towards people we do not know or do not understand. We often judge or blame people when their behaviour and views are different to our own – sometimes known as ‘othering’.

But judgement is a fast track to disconnection and isolation, for you and those you judge. Seeking to understand someone else’s position and perspective will enable you to get more connected – you do not have to agree, but by understanding you may be able to find a more compassionate approach.

Judgement can creep in as soon as we start to feel vulnerable, and fear of being judged is something most of us will have experienced at some point. To avoid judgement, we try and fit in, but if our fundamental sense of self is compromised, we can start to feel lonely and isolated. While compassion amplifies well-being and connectedness, making you feel safer and reducing your perception of isolation, judgement reduces it.

The role of leaders

Healthcare culture can be unforgiving; when you are expected to deliver more with less and where mental toughness is seen as a badge of honour, it can be hard to do some of the things you need to do to build the connectedness required.

But a sense of connectedness is essential in helping us feel safe. It happens when you feel seen, heard and valued, or like you are part of something.

When this does not happen, you are much more likely to feel lonely, and the risk of being isolated from the pack can cause us to hide mistakes, not ask for help, and put on a front that ‘everything is okay’.

Creating belonging is everyone’s job, but leaders set the tone. When you lead from a place of purpose or connectedness, it is easier to be yourself, engage with others and feel part of something that matters.

Nurse well-being: practical support for your mental health rcni.com/nurse-well-being